The bicycle guy.

I was outside of the office building smoking a cigarette like I normally do.  I stand there, puffing away at my cool-girl stick watching cars zoom along the boulevard.  A man comes up on his mountain bike, a bandanna was tied around his head Tupac style, and he has on biker gloves.  You know, the ones with no fingers.  On each handlebar a Dollar General bag was tied, each full of cans I assume he got from other people’s garbage cans.

The man: “Another day in paradise, eh?”
Me: “Yeap.”
“So hows the insurance business treating you?”
“Say, where’d you get that bruise?” as he points to the ginormous teeth marks my son gave me.
“Oh, my son has a biting problem.”
“Let me tell you something … What’s your name?  No, I don’t even want to know your name.  Boy, watch them as they get older, they only have one thing on their minds.  I would know.”
Then he takes off on his 10 speed mountain bike down the road, barely escaping death as he cut off a PT Cruiser going 45 mph.

I finish my cigarette and walk back inside.  10 minutes later the door opens, lo and behold, it was the bicycle man.  I hid behind my computer screen.  My father-in-law gets up.

“Can I help you?”
“This a family run business?”
“Yeah man, can I help you?”
“There was a girl outside in a polka dotted dress, I wanted to talk to her.”
“Yeah, she’s my daughter-in-law.”
“Oh, she’s married?  She told me she wanted my number.  Guess I just have that effect on women.”
He then leaves.

At about this time, I died.  I literally laid under my desk and threw up, and then died.  I have never been so close to death in my life.  I would rather swallow miniature knives and shit them out whole then even think about asking that man for his phone number.

This happened 3 weeks ago.  I still haven’t heard the end of it.  The worst part?  My FIL actually thought I wanted his number. 

 Fuck. That.


6 responses to “The bicycle guy.

  1. Wow.

    He sounded like a real winner, though.

  2. Oh my gosh, that’s so funny! (Sorry, I know it probably wasn’t for you.)

  3. OOOHHH, ewww, it’s bad enough to have a gross ( and possibly homeless) person hit on you, but soo much worse when other people think you asked for it!!! You deserve so much better. Really. Love your blog!!! 🙂

  4. OMG! I’m not the only one who attracts those people! Thank you for this! Old guys and weirdos are my specialty

  5. Now that is crazy. How funny! What a creepo. Yea, weird guys that ride bicycles with Dollar General bags on the handle bars must be crazy thinking people want THEIR numbers. sheesh

  6. OH btw love your new blog. I didn’t realize that you put a link on that you moved. That’s how bad I’m NOT stalking you. haha LOL

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