Sometimes I’ll have dreams that scare the living, loving piss out of me. I’ll wake up in a dramatic fashion, breathing heavily and searching desperately for my cigarettes or the half full vodka bottle hidden under my bed. I especially hate the ones where you’re running from something, but now matter how hard you pump your legs, you still run in slow motion. Then you’re all “OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHY DO MY LEGS SUCK ASS?”
Last night I had a dream that still has me feeling terrible and weird and every time I think about it, I need a cigarette. I remember every detail of the dream too, and I think that’s half the reason why I feel weird about it. Like it actually happened.
It started out with me in the parking lot of a huge court house smoking a joint. I was very panicky and my heart was beating a mile a minute. I knew, in my dream, that some one had hurt my son. I don’t know if they had killed him, or if he was just hurt though. I finish my joint and I started towards the court house. I blew past the security guards and busted into the court room.
I look around and see my family, crying on the benches, holding each other and staring at me. They looked so frightened. My ex father-in-law sat back, smiled and said “Passion, Georgette.” I walked towards this man with dark hair who was standing in front of the judge. In my dream, I knew it was the man who hurt my son. I pulled a pistol from the back of my pants and I shot him in the temple.
That is when I woke up. It was horrible, and unbelievably scary. But at the same time, it’s something I would do. I’ve always done my best to protect my son. Lately, however, since the beginning of James and I splitting, I’ve had these feelings come to me more strongly. I’ve been a super freak about things. I make him 3 course meals with only fresh veggies and meat that has not been frozen, I get up in the middle of the night to go to his room and watch him sleep, I even carry him in the grocery store. (holy heavy kid, bat man!)
Maybe this is normal, maybe it isn’t. But I am NOT liking these intense dreams. Not at fucking all.