Tag Archives: fuck my life

Just when I thought the list of things that never happen to anyone else but me had ended…

It struck down on me, rendering me numb to every feeling with the exception of embarrassment, anger, and the sensation to urinate.  This is, by a land slide, one of the worst things that could happen to me right now.  I would have rather shit on myself and have the photos splattered across New Orleans on the CBS billboards.

Okay, I lied.  That would be horrible.  But it may as well happen because HOLYFUCKINGSHIT.

Since I haven’t update my blog in a long while, I owe you some background information to accompany this little tale of horror.  How can I put this in order to not go into long, “Oh Jesus, we’ve heard this 8 or 9 times before Georgette”, detail?  In order for my marriage to work, both of us will have to be in life-long comas.  Which is funny, because that is exactly how I felt the whole time we were together.  BACK TO THE STORY.

Because I still don’t have a functioning set of wheels, I borrow my ex father-in-law’s car from time to time.  That’s weird, isn’t it?  Story of my life.  I borrowed it last night to drive out to a neighboring town to visit a friend.  Who happens to have a penis.  To make sure we are on the same page here, let’s do a mini recap.  Not with my husband anymore, still drive around his dad’s car, used it to go chill with another dude.  Okay, good.

I park, we chill, I get up to leave. We walk outside and decide to smoke a cigarette before I head out.  We’re talking, we’re laughing, we’re puffing and inhaling.  And then it happens, like something out of a movie that only features really sucky and unfortunate mishaps.  Out of nowhere (and by nowhere, I mean the tree right next to the car) a large limb explodes into a million wooden shards on the roof of my father-in-law’s Chrysler 300.  I froze.  I knew, judging from the explosive sound, that I had just got fucked in the ass by the devil with no lube.

We run to the car in a silent WHAT THE FUCK fashion.  I stare at the two large dents on the roof of the car for 3 minutes, and as I suck in a breath to probably curse, the windshield cracks.  And at that point, not only did the devil dry fuck me up the booty hole, he shot a load of liquidy fire into my colon.

So there I stand, with my soon to be ex-father-in-law’s royally fucked up ride and a friend.  Who happens to be a dude.  Good.  It’s one thing that a tree limb fucked me over, it’s another that I was at a man’s house while it happened.  Not that I feel guilty, but Im sure that makes me a whore in the traditional southern christian eyes of my father-in-law.

It’s okay to laugh.  I’m sure I’ll also laugh just as soon as my asshole heals.

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