It struck down on me, rendering me numb to every feeling with the exception of embarrassment, anger, and the sensation to urinate. This is, by a land slide, one of the worst things that could happen to me right now. I would have rather shit on myself and have the photos splattered across New Orleans on the CBS billboards.
Okay, I lied. That would be horrible. But it may as well happen because HOLYFUCKINGSHIT.
Since I haven’t update my blog in a long while, I owe you some background information to accompany this little tale of horror. How can I put this in order to not go into long, “Oh Jesus, we’ve heard this 8 or 9 times before Georgette”, detail? In order for my marriage to work, both of us will have to be in life-long comas. Which is funny, because that is exactly how I felt the whole time we were together. BACK TO THE STORY.
Because I still don’t have a functioning set of wheels, I borrow my ex father-in-law’s car from time to time. That’s weird, isn’t it? Story of my life. I borrowed it last night to drive out to a neighboring town to visit a friend. Who happens to have a penis. To make sure we are on the same page here, let’s do a mini recap. Not with my husband anymore, still drive around his dad’s car, used it to go chill with another dude. Okay, good.
I park, we chill, I get up to leave. We walk outside and decide to smoke a cigarette before I head out. We’re talking, we’re laughing, we’re puffing and inhaling. And then it happens, like something out of a movie that only features really sucky and unfortunate mishaps. Out of nowhere (and by nowhere, I mean the tree right next to the car) a large limb explodes into a million wooden shards on the roof of my father-in-law’s Chrysler 300. I froze. I knew, judging from the explosive sound, that I had just got fucked in the ass by the devil with no lube.
We run to the car in a silent WHAT THE FUCK fashion. I stare at the two large dents on the roof of the car for 3 minutes, and as I suck in a breath to probably curse, the windshield cracks. And at that point, not only did the devil dry fuck me up the booty hole, he shot a load of liquidy fire into my colon.
So there I stand, with my soon to be ex-father-in-law’s royally fucked up ride and a friend. Who happens to be a dude. Good. It’s one thing that a tree limb fucked me over, it’s another that I was at a man’s house while it happened. Not that I feel guilty, but Im sure that makes me a whore in the traditional southern christian eyes of my father-in-law.
It’s okay to laugh. I’m sure I’ll also laugh just as soon as my asshole heals.